I thought your site would be devoted to penguins and ice. Why is it not?

You might be thinking of South Pole Cartoons. I don’t know how they can make so many jokes about penguins, but they do.

If I pirate your work, claim it as my own, make a profit, and then spread rumors about you, would you be mad?

Possibly. Depends on the rumors.

Do you have any books for sale?

Absolutely. I haven’t written any of them, but I do own them. There’s one about the mafia that’s pretty interesting. I’ll look through my shelf and let you know what I can find for you.

How do you think up your cartoons?

The same way I think up everything else I do. Very slowly.

When will your cartoons start being funny?

Tomorrow.

You said that yesterday.

I did, didn’t I? Sorry about that. I promise tomorrow’s will be better.

Can I buy the originals?

Yes. Let’s negotiate with the guy who created and drew them, if we can find him.

Do you do caricatures?

Only if a public figure looks like one of my cartoon people. If you haven’t noticed, all of them look pretty much the same.

Why are you not in newspapers?

The same reason I’m not on stone tablets or papyrus scrolls. Technology has given us new ways of getting information out.

Can you tell me what your next cartoon is going to be like so I can save time and not have to visit your site tomorrow?

One word - Giraffes.

What is your Social Security Number?

It’s 530… wait, I can’t give that to you!

I almost had you, didn’t I?

You did, you did. You’re crafty, Question Master.

My son wants to be a cartoonist. How should he go about doing that?

Are you serious? To be a cartoonist you just draw cartoons. That’s all it takes. How do I become this boy’s parent? By asking stupid questions, I guess.

Do you take outside submissions?

No. What if they are better than mine? My cartoons couldn’t take that kind of humiliation; they’re sensitive enough as it is.

How long does it take to draw one cartoon?

It depends. Some take ten hours, some take a long time.

How long have you been cartooning?

Why do you want to know?

I don’t know. Just curious, I guess.

Do you like cartoons?

They’re ok. Sometimes I laugh at Snoopy and Garfield.

Ha! Looks like the tables have turned. Who’s asking the questions now, Question Master?

You are.

Who is?

YOU ARE!

Thank you. No further questions your honor.